The Woody Project

2009-07-13T12:45:00.002-04:00

Me and Chase, 2.5 Months

2008-01-11T22:02:00.000-05:00

Old Shoes

I believe that life is about the little things. Mostly. There are some big things that are pretty nifty, but they lose their lustre and are not easily repeated. The little things can be repeated over and over with little or no effort, thus providing readily obtainable happiness. The smart person will invest in the little things and become a smart, happy person.

One of my favourite little things is new shoes. Anyone who's ever been with me when I get a new pair of shoes can attest that I have a "New Shoes Dance". Getting a new pair of shoes is like getting a new pair of feet. You feel like a whole new person, like you could walk for days on end and never tire of it. New shoes open up a world of possibility.

Another one of my favourite little things is a new pair of socks. Fresh out of the package, not even washed, new socks. They're so soft and cushiony. When I walk around in a new pair of socks I get the same feeling I get with a fresh snowfall - everything is covered in a soft white blanket and the world is perfect. And new socks are easily repeated. If you go to Walmart you can buy 6 pairs for $5. That's a new pair of socks every day for almost a week, for only $5. Does life get any better?

And that brings me to the point of this gibberish. Old shoes. You know what I mean. Every now and again you'll be digging in the closet for something and you'll come out with an old pair of shoes. A pair that you'd completely forgotten about. The first thing that goes through your mind is the memory of the day you bought them. You remember the feeling of wearing a pair of new shoes (see discussion above). And then you put them on and you experience it... the feeling that you have never had, and will never have a pair of shoes this comfortable again. But it happens again, and again when you least expect it. Part of the feeling is physical: stepping into a pair of shoes that have been moulded to the shape of you feet over time but there this another part, something intangible and almost magical. The best little things are the unexpected little things.

There's also a bonus: as you get older you acquire more pairs of shoes to forget about and rediscover, making more frequent happy little things. And when you get really old and your memory goes it happens every day.

If I go back and read this post, I realize I may have a foot fetish. Hmmm, interesting.

2007-11-20T21:04:00.000-05:00

Blue Cars & Man-Boobs

Does anyone else know what the Blue Car Effect is? No? Maybe it's just in my head.

The Blue Car Effect happens when you become newly aware of something, usually because you just bought it. I'll illustrate: In the past you have been driving a grey car. One day you buy a new, blue car. From then on you start to notice every blue car around. You didn't remember seeing so may blue cars before but now that's all you see. That's the Blue Car Effect.

Of course, it's not exclusive to blue cars, or black cars, or 2002 Mazda 626s, or even cars for that matter. It could be anything. It could be a certain kind of shoe. Like Crocs. One day you're walking down the street, minding your own business, oblivious to the fact that there are such things as "garden clogs". Then you happen to see some idiot wearing a suit and flourescent green Crocs. And then, all of a sudden, everywhere you look there are people wearing the most retarded looking footwear ever invented. And then you start to wonder "Did the world just recently go insane? Or did it happen a long time ago and I'm just noticing now?" That is another example of the Blue Car Effect.

And again, it's not limited to things. It can be an intangible. It can be an idea, a thought, or a technique. It could even be a word...

Like gynecomastia. Gynecomastia is the medical term for man-boobs. I have been haunted by the word gynecomastia recently.

1) A recent episode of CSI featured a young man who suffered from gynecomastia. "Hmmm, interesting." I thought.

2) The very next morning I heard a documentary on the radio about gynecomastia. What a creepy way to start the day. "Hmmm, not again..." I thought.

3) Two days later I was flipping through the local paper when I spotted the Dr. Peter Gott medical column talking about gynecomastia. "Aaahhhh, the Man-Boob Effect!"

I now know everything I ever wanted to know about the condition, and some things I didn't. For example, lavender and tea tree oil have been know to cause gynecomastia in young boys. Also, gynecomastia occurs in a significant percentage of elderly men. Great. Just great. Now along with all the usual things to worry about in life there's a chance that I'm going to grow boobs when I get older. It's not that I'm particularly worried about growing boobs, it's just that I'll probably be too old to enjoy them!

2007-10-23T21:04:00.000-04:00

Who's Coming to Dinner?

I have an interesting question: If you were throwing a dinner party and you could invite anyone at all, who would you have?

Our dining room table has eight chairs so that leaves six free for guests. I've been thinking about it for a while and here's my first draft of who and why :

1) Shelagh Rogers - I've listened to her on the radio for 15 years and have always wanted to meet her. An interviewer would be an excellent conversationalist.

2) Clint Eastwood - He's been an actor, a director, and the mayor of his hometown. The man is well rounded and I think he would be interesting to talk to. Also, every dinner party needs a movie star.

3) Mr. Graham - He was my high school math teacher. Mr. Graham was one of those teachers that made you look forward to going to class and he's a large part of why I ended up in Math at Waterloo.

4) Lauren Graham - She would ensure that there would be no awkward moments of silence because she talks constantly. And, she's a good poker player so if dinner eventually turned into a poker party we'd be all set.

5) Mike Rowe - The man has had more jobs than almost anyone on the planet, plus he's just plain funny.

6) Jean Chr�tien - Because every dinner party needs a crazy old french guy!

I'd be interested to know who you would invite to supper. Please leave a comment.

In a future instalment I'll list the dead people I would invite to supper.

2007-10-23T20:30:00.000-04:00

The Cat Came Back

I think I have a cat. Or rather I think a cat has me. I'll try to be clearer.

Three times in the last two months I have come home to find a freshly dead bird on my front step. The first time (robin) I didn't think too much of it, the second time (another robin) I thought something might be up, and now after the third time (a woodpecker) I'm fairly sure there's a neighbourhood cat leaving me presents.

Lets go back in time a little bit. Last year about this time when I would come home from the theatre there was a grey cat named Dante (I know this because he has a name tag on his collar) hanging around my side door. A couple of times he followed me into the house and I had to toss him back out. I've seen him around a couple times lately so I can only assume it's him trying to win my favour with these presents.

I'm not really a cat person so I think I'll just ignore him for a while longer and see if he finds someone else to try to move in with.

I'll keep you posted.

2007-08-22T21:29:00.000-04:00

The Sprained Ankle

It doesn't look bad but it sure hurt a lot. On the long-weekend in August, Snuffy, Keri, Christina and I went for a "hike" in Algonquin Park to High Falls. On the way back I jumped and landed on a root and twisted my right ankle.

I walked on it just fine for the hour hike back to the car but by the time we got home I couldn't put any weight on it. A four hour visit to the hospital confirmed that it was "just a bad sprain".

It's now three weeks later and it doesn't ache at all. Cripple no more!

2007-06-28T12:44:00.000-04:00

I Got Pooped On

...literally. This little guy did it.

2007-03-27T20:31:00.000-04:00

My Neighbours Hate Me!

Wanna hear a story?

My neighbours hate me. That's how the story ends. Now lets go back to the beginning.

As I am known to do, I was driving down to Rochester to visit Christina for the weekend. The drive was very nice. The only part of winter we had received to this point was the cold, no snow to speak of. Consequently, the roads were clear and dry.

As I turned onto the Interstate the weather report came on the radio: "Snowstorms of epic proportions". I chuckled a little bit at the description, made a mental note to watch the weather on my way back on Sunday, and then promptly forgot about it.

You couldn't have asked for a nicer Sunday for a drive home. The roads were clear, the sun was out, and I had a full tank of gasssss!. I briefly thought about the "epic snowstorms" that had been forecast and then laughed a little.

That was my first mistake. This is where it all started.

As I was coming into Watertown the wind started to pick up. Then small wisps of snow began to blow across the road. Then, less than a kilometer after the wisps started, I was at a dead-stop behind a transport, in complete white-out conditions, with three foot snow banks less than a foot from either side of my car.

Literally.

I'm not exaggerating.

I was parked for about an hour, and then slowly the transport in front of me began to creep forward. I stayed less than ten feet behind him and most of time I could barely make out his taillights. The transport was plowing the way and without his tracks to follow in I never would have made it through. Every so often the whiteout would let up enough for me to look around and all I could see were cars, transports, police cars, and tow trucks in the ditch, most of them on their side or nose down. I would estimate that I saw about one hundred vehicles stranded this way.

And then it was gone. About ten kilometers after I had first stopped, the storm was gone. Imagine driving through a curtain... one moment you are in a snowstorm of epic proportions and the next minute the sun is out and the roads are clear.

Literally.

I'm not exaggerating.

It was one of those experiences, that after it's over you can't help but wonder if it actually happened or if it was just a vivid day-dream. I learned later that the snow was falling at the rate of nine inches an hour! Within the space of a week, that area received 96 inches of snow. That's eight feet!

And that's why my neighbours hate me.

Nope, just kidding. This is only the beginning.

I drove the rest of the way home very quickly. By the time I got home I was physically and mentally exhausted from the experience. My cold was bothering me, it was late, and all I wanted to do was sleep.

I took a shot of NyQuil and then a swig of Dimetapp just to make sure. This was my second mistake.

You know how when you come out of sleep slowly, the real world and the dream world sometimes blend? That is what happened to me. Sometime in the wee hours of the morning I became aware of a buzzing. It was faint and I didn't know what it was. I laid there and listened to it for a long time. Eventually I became lucid enough to open one eye and check the clock: 5 a.m.

I'll try to reproduce my thought pattern as accurately as I can:

"I wonder what that noise is?"

"Is it my alarm?"

"Maybe I set the clock wrong and somehow the volume got turned way down"
"That's what it could be."

"I should check the alarm clock"

"Maybe not, the noise isn't loud enough to really bother me."

"Maybe I'll just lay here and let it buzz."

"No, I should probably check, that way I won't accidentally sleep in."

"I want a cookie."

"Nope, it's not the alarm clock."

"I'm going to take a little snooze."

...zzz...zzz...zzz...

"Hey, that noise is still there."

"Maybe it's the CO detector I put in my bedroom last week."

"Maybe I'm being poisoned by CO."

"I'm sleepy."

...zzz...zzz...zzz...

"Wait a minute... CO makes you sleepy... maybe I should check the CO detector."

"Let's just lie here a minute and think about this."

"I must have bought a really crappy CO detector if the alarm isn't loud enough to wake me up."

"C'mon feets, get up... nope it's not the CO detector... maybe it's the smoke detector... nope it's not the upstairs smoke detector.
Maybe it's the washer... nope, not the washer...
Maybe it's the dryer... nope, not the dryer...
Maybe it's the radio in the bathroom, nope...
Gee, it seems to be louder near the back of the house."

Now, you have to realize that I was still half asleep, wearing just my shorts, as I stumbled around the house putting my ear to things.

I made my way downstairs thinking my stereo had turned itself on and was malfunctioning in some way. Nope. But the sound is louder on the first floor. Hmmm. Interesting.

I then started to think it was something serious... my computer equipment... I could picture my server self-destructing... nope, not that.

"That's funny, the sound gets quieter near the front of the house. Hmmm."

"Oh crap, the hot water tank is about to explode!"

Nope, not that. Furnace is fine, gas meter isn't doing anything funny, sump pump is fine.

About this time, after I had eliminated the imminent destruction of anything mechanical or electronic in the house as the source of the noise, I decided I needed a cookie and a drink of juice.

So, I'm leaning against the kitchen counter munching on my cookie when it occurs to me that the sound might be coming from outside.

I open the side door and BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMM, it hits me full in the face at full volume and Woody goes into full-blown panic mode.

The horn on my truck is stuck!

As I was going upstairs three steps at a time (to get clothes on, because at this point I'm in my underwear and the outside temperature is -30 degrees with a windchill of -49 degrees) I can distinctly remember thinking two things: 1) Wow, that insulation I put in this summer really works, I could barely hear the horn; and 2) It is now 5:30, that means it has been going for at least thirty minutes.

If there is an emergency, you want me on your side. I'm can think clearly in stressful situations. Just don't expect me to hear the phone when you call.

I put on jogging pants and a sweatshirt, flew to the basement for my socket sets (I got both metric and imperial just to be sure) grabbed the truck keys, popped the hood, took a split second to recover as the noise got even louder (if that is possible) and then proceeded to find the right socket to fit the battery cable.

Punch-line Number 1: As I'm searching for the right size socket, I see a police car pull into my driveway. Great! Just lovely! I'm outside in -49 degree weather with minimal clothes on at five in the morning, I can't hear a damn thing because of the horn, my fingers are frozen, and now there are two police officers walking towards me.

And I quote: "SIR, IS THIS YOUR TRUCK?"

Me: "YES"

Officer: "UH-HUH"

Then I found the socket, loosened the nut and whipped the battery cable off.

Oh, sweet, golden silence!

"HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN OUT LOOKING FOR THE NOISE?" I ask.

"A while. Stop yelling."

"Oh."

"Goodnight, sir."

"Goodnight."

I spent the rest of the night (morning?) sitting on the couch trying to calm my heart. By the time I was calm enough to lay down, my fingers were just starting to regain feeling and it was time to get ready for work.

There, now you know why my neighbours hate me.

But there's more.

Punch-line Number 2: That evening I phone my neighbour Jim. Jim's a great guy, very laid back, the best neighbour you could ask for.

"So, Jim, did you notice anything unusual last night?"

"Yeah, your f@#%ing horn!"

"Yeah, sorry about that, what time did it start?"

"Three in the f@#%ing morning."

"Oh, ok, thanks. Sorry about that."

That means that the horn was blowing continuously for two and a half hours. I found out later that the neighbour behind me called the police about 4 a.m. thinking it was a gas leak or a transformer about to explode. Because it was so cold out that night, the sound carried very far, and echoed off all the houses so it took the police about an hour and a half to locate the source of the noise (probably made easier by the light coming on at my place and the panicky white guy performing vehicle repairs at 5:30 a.m.)

The next day there was an article in the paper that talked about an unusual number of noise complaints the police had been getting that past weekend.

To wrap up a very long story and to answer a question you probably have: No, the horn on the truck no longer works!

2007-02-25T08:41:00.000-05:00

The Day The Hamster Died

My parents packed up their bags and headed south to Florida for the month of February. This has numerous implications for me:

1) My house elf doesn't show up for a month.
2) I have to eat lunch alone for a month.
3) I have to check on my parent's house, shovel the driveway, and bring in the mail daily.
4) I have to hamster sit.

It's the last point that poses the problem (but you've probably already guessed that from the title).

I was looking forward to having a houseguest... there's just something about having another living thing in the house to make you less lonely. I would prefer a dog but my parents don't have a dog, they have, I mean had, a hamster.

We were getting along great. Every morning just after I had breakfast I would change his water and fill his bowl with fresh food. I would find myself talking to him whenever I walked by or was in the same room. Things were good.

About two weeks into the hamster sitting I watched him run on the wheel, get a drink of water, and then he crawled into his coconut and went to sleep.

Or so I thought...

Turns out he was still "sleeping" the next morning, and then later that day when I came home for lunch.

This has numerous implications for me:

1) I have a Russian dwarf hamster "sleeping" in my fridge.
2) I have a sister who's mad at me for killing her former hamster.
3) I have to phone my parents and communicate the bad news, and
4) I'll probably never be asked to hamster sit ever again. Or any kind of pet sitting for that matter.

2006-12-09T21:10:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas !

I've got a question for you: How do you get a six foot wide Christmas tree into your dining room when all of your doors are three feet wide?

The answer: You and a buddy each take an end and you take a run at it!

It's worth noting that there are three door ways between the outside where the tree was and the dining room where the tree needed to be. The widest one is 36 inches, the narrowest one is 30 inches.

Yes, the star is touching the ceiling. Boo-Ya!

2006-08-08T00:23:00.000-04:00

Sciurus Carolinensis (Eastern Gray Squirrel)

If you haven't already seen the publicity, there's a Samuel L. Jackson movie coming out soon called Snakes on a Plane. From what I can tell, this low budget film is already a cult classic even before anyone's seen it. The general consensus as to why it is so successful is because it combines two of the most common fears: snakes and flying.

I've written about this before (a shiny toonie to the first person to find that entry): the fact that movies seem to be released in pairs - Deep Impact and Armageddon as one example. I think this is my chance to make it big.

I'm going to write a screenplay and send it in to Hollywood to ride on the coattails of Snakes on a Plane. I can make it on almost no budget, all the characters will play themselves, and I already have the location scouted. We've even done a dress rehearsal.

I call my movie-to-be:

"Squirrel in a Living Room"

Think about it... approximately 15% of people have flown and 90% of people are afraid of snakes. Compare that to the number of people who have living rooms, say 99.9% (developed countries only) and the number of people who dislike squirrels, say 90%, the same as snakes, for arguments sake.

If we do the math (I'm a math major, I have years of training, don't try this at home) and calculate the total fear of each scenario we get the following:

1) Snakes (90%, or .90) multiplied by Planes (15% or .15) equals 14%

2) Squirrel (90%, or .90) multiplied by Living Room (99.9% or .999) equals 90%

As you can clearly see, when expressed as a percentage of the population, Squirrel in a Living Room is much more frightening than Snakes on a Plane.

I can also outline some of the things I've learned while researching my film:

1) Squirrels reacts badly to banging on fireplace doors when they are inside.

2) Squirrels do not find peanut butter on a plastic spoon very enticing.

3) A squirrel in a living room is much faster than brother-in-law with a golf club (1-wood I think).

4) When trying to catch a squirrel in a living room it is best to close the doors to the living room because Squirrel in a Living Room could turn into Squirrel in a Dining Room, or Squirrel in a Kitchen, or even Squirrel in a Bedroom, and nobody wants that.

5) When trying to catch a squirrel in a living room it is a good idea to turn on the TV. The particular actor that I had playing the squirrel was mesmerized by the images and kept launching himself off the top of the couch head first into the screen. After about 20 "landings", the squirrel starts to become disoriented and is much easier to corner.

6) Audiences of Squirrel in a Living Room seem to enjoy it more with a stiff drink in hand.

Good times.

2006-06-25T22:50:00.000-04:00

Tight Fit

Have you ever done something and then half way through realize there's probably a more appropriate way to do it?

Me too.

2006-06-05T23:40:00.000-04:00

Stanky Drawers

I clearly remember the professor in one of my first year accounting courses telling us "There is no such thing as a free lunch." And it's true. Everyone knows it. The problem is that sometimes we forget this simple truth and then we do something that reminds us loud and clear.

This story starts with two facts:

1) I'm just starting out and so I don't have a lot of furniture in the house; what I do have is hand-me-downs.

2) Old houses aren't known for their abundant closets.

I got it into my head that I needed storage and that it would be even better if I could get it for free. (Here's where the free lunch thing should have stopped me.)

Earlier that week I had listened to an interview with someone from Freecycle. Freecycle is an internet discussion forum where people exchange things (for free) that they don't want/need anymore.

I found the Ottawa Valley Freecycle chapter and joined. I then sent out a message asking if anyone had wooden dressers to give away.

What could possibly go wrong?

A couple of weeks later I got an email from a lady who said she had 2 antique dressers that she had been meaning to get rid of and did I want them?

Sure I do. Free, "antique" storage. All I had to do was arrange to go and pick them up. In Quebec.

What could possibly go wrong?

A week later I talked my best buddy Chad into picking me up with his van and driving to Waltham to pick up the dressers. When we got the the house, the dressers were out in the driveway with my name taped to them. The dressers looked a little rougher than I had hoped for but I figured beggars can't be choosers and I could probably repair and/or salvage at least one of them.

We quickly loaded them in the van (please note that this was in the middle of winter and it was very cold outside) and began to make our way back to town.

The ride from dresser lady's house to my house is about 20 minutes. About 10 minutes into the trip the van begins to warm up again after having the back door open.

"Hey Chad, do you smell something?"

"Yeah, I do, it smells kinda like cat pee."

We made the rest of the trip with the windows down.

Until now I've been too embarrassed to write about this, but with time it has become one of those stories you can laugh about.

After all the planning, emails, driving, loading and unloading I had no more storage than when I started and 2 dressers that reeked of cat pee in my basement.

2 missing drawers, 2 smashed drawers, 2 broken legs, mould, mud and corn(??!?) in the remaining drawers, holes punched in the sides, initials carved into the surface and then filled with liquid paper, skateboard stickers, and CAT PEE!

Here comes the best part of the story, the next day I got an email from this lady:

"Thank you for picking up the dressers. I had to run out for a minutes so I just left them in the driveway for you. Please be very nice to them, they were my parents and were vey special to us. I would hate to have them ruined.

Talk to you later...

Hmph.

They went out in the spring cleanup garbage collection this evening. They lasted an hour on the curb before someone came and loaded them into their truck.

I hope they take good care of the dressers, they were very special to me.

In addition to reinforcing the No Free Lunch rule, I have learned some other valuable lessons:

1) "Antique" has different meanings to different people.
2) Cat pee doesn't smell at -20 degrees.
3) Cat pee smells very bad at 20 degrees, and
4) Friends who are still your friends after convincing them to drive around backwoods Quebec with cat pee dressers in their vehicle are very good friends indeed.

P.S. Does anyone have old wooden dressers they would like to give away?

2006-02-14T21:38:00.000-05:00

Take The Plunge

I don't know what it is but there's something inherently funny about plungers.

Just carrying one makes you simultaneously feel like a king and a fool.

Walking around the house with a plunger always puts a smile on my face.

Come to think of it, maybe it's not the plunger...

Hmmm.

2006-01-28T16:27:00.000-05:00

Mr. Man wishes you a happy winter!

2005-12-10T15:51:00.000-05:00

10 feet tall and 7 feet wide.

Merry Christmas.

2005-11-18T08:24:00.000-05:00

Money

So it turns out that New York state toll booths don't accept Canadian Tire money...

Here's an exercise for you: get a US $1 bill and a Canadian Tire $1 bill and place them side by side. You will find that they look remarkably alike.

I have rearranged things so that my Canadian Tire money isn't kept in the same place as my US money.

Ok bye.

2005-11-01T19:18:00.000-05:00

Halloween Update

127 monsters.

2005-10-16T19:41:00.000-04:00

Turkey Day!

My Family, Christina's family, Grandma, Nicole and Nicole's Mom, and Meghan...12 people altogether.

2005-06-11T22:17:00.000-04:00

I Have A Twin

I recently went to the Kelsey's in Petawawa and the waitress kept giving me funny looks. Finally she told me that she recognized me from somewhere, but she couldn't remeber where. Ok, fair enough.

Towards the end of our meal she told me that she remembered seeing me at the license bureau last week when I registered a new vehicle - a grey Jeep.

Hmm... two problems, I wasn't at the license bureau and I didn't buy a Jeep. The waitress was adamant that it was me or "someone that looks enough like you to be your identical twin".

Nope, wasn't me.

After arguing about my identity with the waitress, Christina and I went to the local nursery to get some flowers to pretty-up the house a bit. While I was wandering the aisles of flowers one of the staff approached me as though he knew me...

Him: "How's it goin'?" (innocuous enough question)

Me: "Ok" (standard response to people I don't know)

Him: "Are you playing volleyball again this summer?" (huh?)

Me: "Huh?"

Him: "Didn't we play volleyball on the same team last summer?" (huh?)

Me: "Nope"

Him: "Sorry, you look exactly like someone else." (huh? - as you can see I found this conversation very confusing)

Me: "Ok" (standard response to being told I look exactly like someone else)

And then he left.

Lets pause for a minute and review. I go for lunch in Petawawa and get told by my waitress that I look exactly like someone she's dealt with recently. 10 minutes later I go to a nursery and get told by some guy that I look exactly like someone else he knows.

I think the only possible explanation is that I have an identical twin running free somewhere and this is what I know about him:

1) He looks exactly like me. Damn twins!
I'm not sure if he's evil or not... if he's not, what does that make me?

2) He recently purchased a grey Jeep.

3) He played volleyball last summer.

4) He most likely lives in Petawawa.

I'm going to ask for your help...

If you see me (or someone who looks exaclty like me) make a point of approaching me and asking if it really is me. If I confirm that it is indeed myself, we've neither gained nor lost anything. However, if this person you've approached who looks exactly like me turns out not to be me, please find out who he is, what he does, and anything else you think may be of interest to an identical twin.

Perhaps if this Woody look-alike isn't busy at the moment and he's agreeable to it, and you're not busy at the moment and you're agreeable to it, you could bring him to see me so we could sort this whole long-lost twin thing out.

Thank you in advance for talking to me (??) or anyone who looks like me. That sounds strange but you know what I mean.

I just thought of something... I've been assuming this whole time that the waitress and the nursery guy (horticulturist??) were referring to the same person. Maybe they weren't. Maybe there are two more of me out there. I could be an original, a duplicate, or even a triplicate. Strange...

2005-05-01T10:13:00.000-04:00

Foods That End In �Os�

For most people the first day of spring is March 21, but not for me. My spring begins on May 1.

May 1 is the day that I reappear. In many respects I am the Wierton Willy (Wierton Woody?) of the accounting world, only I�m not afraid of my shadow. I emerge from my long winter with a long list of things to do, things I have put off for 3 months. People always know when tax season is over because they see me everywhere!

May 1 is also the day that I start to shed my winter bulk. Over the winter I start to take on the shape of a groundhog � it�s a result of little exercise, little sleep, and foods that end in �Os�.

Some of my favourite foods that end in �Os�:

1) Cheerios
2) Oreos
3) Pogos
4) Nachos
5) Tacos

These are the winter foods of an accountant.

I would like to talk some more but I have things to do. I�ll check in again soon.

2005-02-19T19:35:00.000-05:00

Please Follow The Instructions

I'm not that old relatively speaking. I remember a time when things came with the absolute minimum of instructions. Manufacturers assumed that the general public was at least intelligent enough not to kill themselves using a new product.

Times have changed.

Here's a photo of the front of an instruction manual for something I bought. Before you scroll down to the next picture, try to guess what product this manual is for.

What could this death-trap be?

Yes, this is what appears on the front of the instruction manual for my dryer.

Rest assured that I will exercise all due caution when using my dryer so that I will not be killed or seriously injured.

2004-11-30T23:06:00.000-05:00

This is the third and last post in this series:

New York City - Day 3 - Sunday, May 9, 2004

Our last day in the big city.

We checked out of the hotel at 10 am and walked down the street towards the Empire State Building (only 3 blocks from our hotel). On the way we saw Madison Square Garden.

Empire State Building

The lobby of the Empire State Building is gorgeous, decorated in art deco style with lots of marble, brass and stainless steel. Every other floor of the building that we saw was run-down and dumpy � you wouldn�t think that you were in one of the most famous buildings in the city.

The security checkpoint and the ticket office are on the first basement level and we got ushered to the front of the line because of Christina�s cane.

The observation deck is 86 floors up and takes two elevators to get you there. The view is terrific but it�s a little hard to see very far because of the smog. The observation deck looks much bigger in the movies.

Short history lesson as learned from the guide in the hotel room:

The Empire State Building and the Chrysler Building are the result of a wager between the CEO of Chrysler and the CEO of General Motors. Needless to say GM won the bet. The Empire State Building set a world record with construction going on around the clock and an average of 4 1/2 floors going up every week.

To complete our experience we walked till we had an unobstructed view of the Chrysler Building. We didn�t go inside because we were tired. I think the busy weekend was starting to wear on us.

We got a slice of pizza from a pizza shop around the corner from the New York Public Library and then walked back down 5th Avenue to the Empire State Building and then paid a visit to Macy�s, the world�s largest department store.

More handbags. Wow, look at all those handbags. Why do people need so many handbags?!?

After a walk through Macy�s we made our way back to the New Yorker and waited for the shuttle to take us to the airport. We got shuttled to the Port Authority bus station were we transferred to a bus that took us to Grand Central Terminal and then back to the airport.

After a weekend of fine dining we were both in the mood for some fast food and got supper at the airport McDonalds.

Our plane left at 5:45.

After landing in the almost deserted Rochester airport we took the shuttle to the parking lot and grabbed the little red rocket. We were back at Christina�s apartment by 8 pm.

It was an amazing trip and I was tired.

Zzzz

The End

2004-11-29T13:46:00.000-05:00

The second in a series of three posts:

New York City - Day 2 - Saturday, May 8, 2004

David Letterman � Broadway btw 53rd and 54th

Saturday in the Big Apple started at 10 am with a walk down Broadway to the Ed Sullivan theatre. David Letterman wasn�t taping but we got to look at the box office. Next door we visited the CBS Store � a very, very small store with some interesting things.

We had planned to eat lunch at the Hello Deli around the corner from Letterman but when we got there we decided not to. In daylight the Hello Deli is a very scary place.

We got pictures though!

Jekyll and Hyde Club � 6th btw 56th and 57th

After the Hello Deli lunch got nixed we needed food, badly. We made our way towards the Plaza Hotel and walked past the Brooklyn Diner (57th btw Broadway and 7th) and the HardRock Caf� and eventually ended up at the Jekyll and Hyde Club.

The �Club� is actually a restaurant with 4 floors of live entertainment. As the name implies, the restaurant is based on the book Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Actors wander around the restaurant and engage the patrons.

Each floor has a different theme (salon, library, laboratory are the ones I can remember) and the staff encourage you to wander around and explore each floor as you wait for your food to be served.

The food was only average and be careful when you order beverages. We didn�t realize that refills weren�t free and we ended up paying $12 (USD, approximately $16 CDN) for Coke.

While I was eating, one of the actors dressed as Igor snuck up behind me and licked my head and then complimented me: �mmmm, not bad� and when Christina went to the washroom Scarlet O�Harlot took her seat at the table and tried to pick me up.

It�s a very interesting place and I recommend that everyone go there once.

The Plaza Hotel

After our outrageously expensive lunch we wandered to the Plaza Hotel. It was interesting to see the hotel in person after seeing it in so many films.

We made a short trip to the Plaza Hotel gift shop and the only thing I could afford was a $5 tin of mints.

Tiffany�s � 5th and 57th

After the most expensive hotel I�ve ever been in Christina and I went to the most expensive jewelry store in the world. Tiffany�s is five floors of very beautiful things.

After browsing the first floor we made our way to the second floor (engagement rings) and it wasn�t long before Christina was trying on the ring she wants. There were two, one slightly larger than the other with a price range of $6,000 to $13,000 (USD). Hmmm.

When I first saw the diamond rings sparkle in the display cases I thought the brilliant sparkle was a result of the case lighting, but when Christina took the ring out of the case and put it on her finger it still sparkled just as bright. I haven�t seen many diamonds but I�ve never seen one sparkle like these did. After seeing the diamonds in person I can understand why someone would pay so much for one. But not me, and not that day.

We looked around the other floors a little but soon got tired of looking at things we couldn�t afford. The most expensive thing I saw was a Tahitian pearl necklace worth $447,000.

Central Park

No trip to New York is complete without a horse and carriage ride through Central Park so that is what Christina and I did next. Hiring a carriage isn�t very hard at all and a 20-minute ride will run you about $40.

Our driver pointed out items of interest including the carousel, the carnival (which was just setting up for the summer), the chess house and the two apartment towers that were featured in the movie Ghostbusters. The Ghostbuster buildings weren�t in the park but you could see them from there.

After the ride we stopped and watched a break-dancing demonstration for a few minutes.

Shopping

The world�s greatest toy store (FAO Schwartz � 5th and 58th) was closed for renovations but we got to sit on the giant teddy bear outside.

Barney�s (Madison btw 60th and 61st) had a boutique that for $20 would customize and mix a batch of lip-gloss just for you. We also saw the location where Jack (Will & Grace) worked for a few episodes.

While walking around town we kept seeing people carrying the Bloomingdale�s Little Brown Bags, Medium Brown Bags and the odd Large Brown Bag. It was too much; we decided that we had to have our own Little Brown Bag. We made our way to Bloomingdale�s (3rd btw 59th and 60th) in search of something to buy but, alas, nothing in the store suited.

It seems that every department store in New York specializes in hand bags. Why do people need so many handbags? It�s a mystery that may never be solved.

After being defeated by the sea of handbags we decided to take a walk down Park Avenue. It was a very nice street � one of the few in New York that had a centre median with grass and trees.

Rockefeller Center

We arrived at Rockefeller Center and browsed through some of the kiosks. It was the most upscale outdoor flea market I�ve ever seen.

We visited the MET Store (a small version of the Museum Store) and the NBC Store (much larger than the CBS Store).

By this time of the day (about 5 pm) our feet were tired and our stomachs were grumbly � we made our way to Planet Hollywood Times Square for supper. I had a New York strip steak (what else?).

Madame Toussauds Wax Museum � Times Square

Freshly recuperated from our afternoon and bursting with energy from our delicious supper we went to Madame Toussauds Wax Museum and spent about two hours wandering around the many floors and exhibits. Of all the locations we visited on our trip, we took the most pictures here.

After we purchased our tickets we were taken to the 8th floor in an elevator and before the elevator doors opened we were instructed that we were about to walk into the �opening night party� and that most of the celebrity guests were already there and we were fashionably late.

�Feel free to mingle and don�t be afraid to touch�

How often do you get told that before going to a party?

Anyone who�s ever been to a wax museum will tell you that it takes some getting used to. Even though we knew the celebrities were going to be wax replicas we still treated them like real people for the first few minutes. All evening I found myself being careful not to walk between two people talking and saying �excuse me� if I happened to brush up against one of the celebrities. It�s an eerie experience.

On another floor a group us turned a corner to find an exhibit of N Sync and a person about to take a picture of them. We waited patiently for her to finish and made sure we weren�t in her way. This went on for some time until someone remarked, �I think she�s wax�.

Christina and I hung back out of the way for a while and watched other people come around the corner. People sidled behind her carefully, ducked in front of her, said �excuse me�, and even gave her trouble for taking too long.

We laughed till our stomachs hurt.

Carnegie Deli � 7th btw 54th and 55th

A short taxi ride took us to the Carnegie Deli, which is world famous for its cheesecake. It seems that every deli in New York serves a bowl of dill pickles and cucumbers with every order.

We ordered one slice of the strawberry cheesecake (the best) and it was so big we couldn�t finish it. Yummy.

It turns out that our waiter was a Canadian living in New York. Until six months earlier he worked in the travel industry but because of the tourism slowdown he had to take a job as a waiter.

The Carnegie Deli will ship its cheesecakes over-night to anywhere in the continental US. For $40 you can get a small cheesecake delivered to your doorstep the very next morning. This deli is awesome!

Cheesecake in our bellies, we hired the cab parked outside to take us back to the New Yorker. This cabbie was an interesting character and we were told how �New York cabs are the best deal in the world�, �black limo cars are evil and they rip you off�, and �just last night a black limo car cut me off and if the driver wasn�t a woman I would have killed her with my bare hands.�

Hmmm. Thanks for the ride.

Got back to the hotel around 9.

2004-11-25T01:09:00.000-05:00

This is the chronicle of our trip to the Big Apple. It�s been a while between the trip and the posting of this entry but better late than never. I�m going to post this entry in three parts, one for each day of the trip. Here�s day 1:

New York City - Day 1 - Friday, May 7, 2004

Greater Rochester International Airport

Christina and I left for the Greater Rochester International Airport at 8 am and after a long, arduous journey, we arrived at 8:10 am. Parking was achieved in the long-term lot at a rate of $4.50 per day and after a short shuttle ride to the terminal we checked in and got our e-tickets. It seems that no one uses real tickets anymore.

We decided to carry everything we needed in our backpacks so we had no bags to check. We wandered around the shops in the airport to kill some time before our flight was to leave at 9:30.

We found a bookstore, a Subway serving breakfast (gross) and a golden tree. We then decided to take advantage of the rocking chairs in the airport and watched the comings and goings of the airplanes and helicopters.

The Rochester airport isn�t large but its very well laid out and welcoming to travelers. A+!

The next stop was the security checkpoint. Christina pointed out to the first security officer that she was wearing a tens machine and that it was a medical device. So far so good. Apparently the second security officer on the other side of the metal detector didn�t hear the conversation and when Christina started to walk towards him he over-reacted.

�Stop! Don�t come any closer! Back up! What�s that on your hip!?�

I thought he was going to tackle her. I guess everybody in the airport is a little hyped up and sees suicide bombers everywhere. I found it hard to keep a straight face.

I didn�t have any problems going through security and while I waited Christina got frisked and searched. She must have the terrorist look about her.

We got to the boarding gate about a half hour before the flight was scheduled to leave so we sat by the window and watched some more planes come and go. Our plane pulled up to the gate soon after and we got to watch the passengers get off, the luggage taken out of the tail, the luggage for our flight loaded and the plane refueled.

Our plane was U.S. Airways turbo-prop with a capacity of about 50 passengers and the flight to LaGuardia took about an hour and a half.

Katz�s Deli � 205 East Houston Street

The first item on our itinerary was lunch at the famous Katz�s Deli. We took our very first New York taxi ride from the airport directly to the deli and arrived at noon.

If I didn�t know about Katz�s Deli I never would have ventured into the restaurant, let alone the neighbourhood- it�s seedy looking.

If you want waiter service you sit at one of tables along the wall, otherwise you get to fight for your lunch at the deli counter. Giving one of the �sandwich artists� a dollar gets you a sample of whichever meat you like. If you give it a pass they will then proceed to make your sandwich for you.

The two of us ordered one sandwich � a corned beef on rye (with mustard) � and it was more than enough. I�ve never had corned beef that good� it was so tender� it flaked apart, and without any exaggeration there was 3 inches of meat between the bread.

Oh, by the way, this is the diner where Harry and Sally had their famous sandwich. �I�ll have what she�s having.�

Battery Park � southern tip of Manhattan

Now that we had refueled we decided to waste no sight seeing time and hailed another taxi to take us to Battery Park, the departure point for the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island ferries. Christina is good at hailing cabs � I think she was born to be a New Yorker.

Battery Park used to be an island fort, which has since been connected to the mainland with landfill. The park is beautiful and you almost forget that you�re in the biggest city in the world.

There were also lots of good deals in the park. You could buy brand new Oakley sunglasses, Rolex watches and Louis Vuitton bags for under $10. Christina wouldn�t let me buy anything. She�s no fun.

Statue of Liberty

We bought our tickets for the ferry at the ticket booth in the centre of the old battery. We then proceeded to the security checkpoint and waited for the next ferry in a large tent. The security for the ferry was stricter than at the airport - they even made me take off my belt and watch.

There are a number of ferries and they leave every half hour and travel from Battery Park to Statue of Liberty Island to Ellis Island and then back to Battery Park.

The afternoon was hot and it was even hotter on the top deck of the ferry. After a short ride we got off at the Statue of Liberty Island Park. The Statue has been closed to the public since 9/11 so we had to content ourselves with walking around the island. The island isn�t very large and we managed to make it all the way around in about 20 minutes.

We got some nice photos of the Statue of Liberty from the ground and the view of southern Manhattan and Ellis Island was very picturesque.

Ellis Island

We caught the next ferry to Ellis Island but didn�t get off. Instead we waited for the boat to return to Battery Park.

Ellis Island used to be the point of entrance for immigrants until 1954. It has since been turned into an immigration museum. We needed a break and decided that we weren�t very interested in an immigration museum.

Ground Zero

Once we got back to Battery Park we walked down Greenwich Street to the former site of the World Trade Center. The site was busy and there were several tour buses.

The site was fenced off and all cleaned up. We saw the twisted girder that was erected as a monument but the saddest part was all the memorials written in marker on the fence.

The New Yorker

We had a little trouble getting a cab from ground zero � the drivers seemed to be particular about where they went.

We checked into our room (34th floor, #3406) about 4:30 and I took a short nap to recover from the hectic morning. It was easy to get into bed because it was one step from the door. The room was very small and was just large enough to hold the queen size bed, a dresser and a desk.

The hotel opened in the 1930�s and changed hands numerous times. It became a church and residence, it nearly became a teaching hospital and dormitories, and then around 1980 it was converted back into a hotel with about 350 rooms. The management has been adding rooms ever since and the hotel is now at full capacity with slightly more than 1,000 rooms.

Times Square

For supper we walked to Times Square and ended up at Applebees on the 2nd floor � the view was amazing � you could see all the comings and goings on the street.

After supper we switched into full tourist mode and wandered around Times Square for a few hours. We saw Toy�s R Us, the MTV Store, Bubba Gump Restaurant, Sketchers, Quicksilver, and the Virgin Megastore. In Sketchers we saw the Dali Lama trying on a pair of running shoes.

Really. No foolin�!

A lady took a picture of Christina and I in front of the bright lights of Times Square. The picture turned out really good.

We finally decided to call it a night at 11:30 and walked back to the hotel to rest up for another full day of sight seeing.