The Woody Project Blog

September 30, 2004

Filed under: Uncategorized — Ryan @ 2:51 pm

The Speech

I was recently the Best Man in my best friend’s wedding. I’ve been asked numerous times to post the speech to the internet so here it is.

Bear in mind that this is the speech as I wrote it before it was delivered. Actual results may vary.

Best Man Speech for Chad’s Wedding

When Chad asked me to be his Best Man I was honoured and I started writing this speech right away. That was nine months ago. As hard as I tried, nothing seemed to work. Time was running out so I turned to the Internet for some advice.

I learned some interesting things:

For example: the position of Best Man refers to the best fighter and originated from the days when a groom would ride into enemy territory to capture himself a bride. While he raced off with her, his friends stayed behind to fend off the bride’s understandably upset relatives. When they got to the church the best man was there just in case some of her family decided to try and steal her back, that‘s why the best man stands on the right of the groom, leaving his sword hand free).

I just want to say…

Barry, thanks for not making any trouble this afternoon.

I also learned some tips on writing a Best Man speech…

One site suggested that I 1) talk about my relationship with the groom, 2) congratulate the best man on finding his true love, 3) offer the groom advice on marriage, and 4) invite everyone to toast to their happiness.

Another site suggested that I should feel free to embarrass the groom (easy enough) and that I not even think about embarrassing the bride. That’s probably good advice in any situation.

So here we go:

I met Chad about 18 years ago while we were both taking skiing lessons and we’ve been best friends ever since. We’ve shared highs and lows and had a lot of fun along the way. No matter what happens I know I can always count on him, that’s just the type of guy he is.

Would you believe that when we were little I was the bigger and stronger one? That’s certainly changed. But I know what you’re all thinking about me: at least he’s still the better-looking one.

For as long as I can remember, Chad has been searching for things that are “Chad-proof”. It started out as skis, bikes, toys, and then progressed to cars when we turned 16. A bike would last a normal kid 2, maybe 3 years, not Chad though – he would go through 2, maybe 3 in a single summer. Nothing is ever Chad-proof.

Chad and I went to Florida with my parents when we were younger. We ended up at a restaurant for dinner. This particular restaurant had a self-serve soft ice cream machine. Not a good idea. Chad got an ice cream headache. I told him that if you eat ice cream faster, the headache goes away. Has anyone ever kept eating ice cream once they had freeze-brain?

Chad shoveled the ice cream in as fast as he could and at bedtime that night he was still in agony. A lesser person may have reconsidered the friendship at that point but he never did. (at least I don’t think so)

The moral of this story? It turns out that even Chad isn’t Chad-proof.

(pause)

A couple of weeks ago we had a bachelor party for Chad and I was told that I had to share this story with everyone.

I’ll start with some background:

The party was at a cottage on a lake. The cottage was on a hill and so there was a very steep, paved hill from the cottage to the beach.

This party went on for 3 days.

On the second night, we were all down by the beach at the campfire. It was Chad’s turn to climb up the hill and get another round of drinks and snacks for everyone – he took the order and disappeared.

We didn’t see him for a little bit and then there was this noise, a noise like a transport bearing down on us.

Chad had decided it was foolish to walk up and down the hill for refills and that a better idea would be to fill a cooler with all the drinks (and I mean all the drinks) and ride it down the hill.

I want everyone to close their eyes and imagine Chad, drunk, straddling a cooler, one hand on the handle and the other waving like a bull rider as he rides it down a very steep, paved hill, in the dark, screaming at the top of his lungs.

I examined the cooler the next morning and was surprised to find that it just might be Chad-proof.

(pause)

I was away at school when I was woken up by a call in the middle of the night. I answered the phone to be greeted by “I love you man!” The conversation was a little hard to follow but the gist of it was that Chad had met the girl of his dreams. He was drunk and I was tired so I didn’t think much of that call. I don’t know if Chad even remembers making the call. But here we are today celebrating.

When I found out that Chad was engaged I had mixed feelings. Of course I was happy for him, who wouldn’t be, but I was also a little sad. I figured for sure that I was about to lose a little bit of my buddy. But in fact it’s the opposite. Not only did I not lose a friend I gained another one in Mandy and I’m proud to call her one of my best friends.

(pause)

I believe at this point I’m supposed to give some advice on marriage. I’ve never been married. Anyway, not being qualified to give advice, I asked some other people what makes a happy marriage, so here are a couple:

First, set the ground rules and establish who’s boss… then do everything that Mandy tells you.

Second, never be afraid that Mandy will leave you…she’s spent a lot of time and effort training you, she’s not going to throw that away lightly.

(pause)

I would like to ask everyone to rise and join me in toasting two of my best friends on their special day…

Chad and Mandy, take good care of each other and we wish you a long and happy life together.

Thank you.

September 1, 2004

Filed under: Uncategorized — Ryan @ 1:52 pm

Bringin’ Home the… Milk?!?

I got a phone call at work today asking me to pick up milk on my way home. You always see this type of thing happen on sitcoms but I never thought it happened in real life.

It’s surreal getting a stereotypical tv phone call for the first time.

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